If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
