In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
