I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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