I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
