Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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