Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
