My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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