I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
