Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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