So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
