I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
