I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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