after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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