There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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