Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
