it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
