omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
