If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
