Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
