I just pynch a tree in the face
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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