how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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