It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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