I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
