How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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