Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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