my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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