I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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