Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
