Girls should come with a carfax report
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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