He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
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