Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
