she woke up with a sticky ear
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
