My sheets look like a crime scene.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Dear god my vagina.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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