Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
