Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
