I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
