im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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