shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
