I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
