My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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