the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
God, I missed his penis.
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