I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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