you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
