Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
