why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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