I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
