You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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