I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
