So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
