I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
