3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
