Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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