i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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