i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
