Nicole vs. Life
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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