she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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