seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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