he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
this boner is exhausting
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
