She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
