i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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