Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
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in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
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Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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