we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
