Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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