Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
